In the early days and weeks after birth (even an uncomplicated, vaginal birth), a new mom is running on fumes and adrenaline. For many, the very act of sitting can be painful and uncomfortable for a few weeks. All women experience some swelling and discomfort following a vaginal birth, especially if she's recovering from an episiotomy or an assisted birth (vacuum or forceps). A once routine visit to the washroom to pee can be a major event. Add in some swollen and tender breasts (as she tries to learn to breastfeed) and sleep deprivation, receiving visitors can easily put her over the edge.
New mom care is essential to newborn care. How we care for a new mom in the early days can impact the short and long term health of both the mother & baby, the health of other children and the health of our community overall.
At FITMOM, we really love and appreciate the approach and care of new moms in the Asian culture, where new moms are cared for by others for 30 days after they have given birth. Others in her community will manage the daily chores, including cooking, cleaning and caring for older children, during this time, allowing her to rest and nourish herself and her baby without having to worry about the burden of a daily routine. Unfortunately, this communal child rearing philosophy has been almost completely abandoned in North American culture and has been replaced with the "taking care of me" philosophy, leaving new moms often alone and isolated.
So, using this philosophy, here are FITMOM's best practices for family and friends who are interested in visiting you and your new bundle in the early days and weeks:
- A new mother should never be expected to entertain you. She should not be making tea, offering a drink or making you a meal. For many new moms, hosting of any kind may be too much. Instead, message her and offer meals that you can drop off. Better yet, just drop off a meal and let her know it's at the door (do not stay unless asked!). You can also offer to run errands for her, cook a meal, clean her house, do her laundry or take the baby for a walk so she can have a nap.
- A new mom may not have the energy to hold a conversation, make small talk, hear about your day or just "shoot the shit". Small talk, even with a BFF, can be incredibly draining in the early days. A new mom should not have to "be polite" because you are in her space, needing to engage.
- A new mother should never have to answer the door to an unannounced, drop by visitor. EVER. If you are given the green light to visit, please refrain from bringing strangers, acquaintances or anyone else with you that she barely knows. Her nipples may be bleeding and sore and she just needs a safe space to figure it all out.
- Please do not show up to visit with other friends or children in tow unless SHE REQUESTS THIS.
- Do not offer unsolicited advice. Offer support and help instead.
- A new mom should never have to receive unsolicited comments about her baby's feeding schedule, including how much the baby's eating and how often. If she's already worried about this, asking will make her feel worse.
- Please return the baby to her mother as soon as you are asked. If a baby is crying or distressed, she can easily be calmed by her mother. It often stresses both mom and baby to be separated. Let the new parents figure out what their baby's cries mean.
Other ways you can offer support:
- Providing childcare for older children
- Doing laundry
- Helping with chores around the house
- Rocking or holding baby, if requested
- Walking the dog
- Changing bedding
- Shopping for groceries
- Listening
- Letting mom cry
- Listening some more
- Asking mom what she needs
These tips will go a long way in helping to ensure that a new mom and her baby are off to the best start possible.
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| My first few moments as a brand new mom |
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